I’ve struggled with self worth issues and insecurities most of my life. I know it’s a common struggle for many people. I was never a part of the “cool crowd” growing up. I was tall, lanky, had red hair & freckles, and always felt like an ugly duckling. Some kids were super smart, others were super cute, there were the naturally cool kids, and the quick-on-their-feet funny kids. I didn’t fit into any of those categories. I was bullied at times. Hated going to school on many occasions. It wasn’t healthy.
All that being said, I did have a few very close friends who I’m still tight with today. I moved away from Calgary after College and wanted to start a new journey. I tried to detach myself from the toxicity and moved around a bit. I lived in Vancouver, Japan, New York & eventually landed in Toronto. I worked as a model, became an actress, changed my mind countlessly about my career path, bought a condo, travelled a bunch, and had some amazing life experiences. I was feeling stronger. However, even though my confidence had grown over the years, I found that I couldn’t completely detach myself from unhealthy situations. Toxic people continued to enter my life and periodically I’d find myself in destructive patterns. When you don’t like yourself you feel that you don’t deserve to be in supportive and nourishing environments.
After I had come back to Toronto from actually a very positive and life changing experience at Theatre School in NYC, approximately 12 years ago, I started seeing a therapist. That was the last ingredient I needed to finally deal with a lot of old crap I was carrying around with me. I was finally dealing with my shit. I highly recommend that everyone deals with their shit. We all have it and if you don’t deal with it, it really stinks up your life. The combination of venturing out, having amazing & crazy life experiences, and seeing a therapist allowed me to separate myself from all the toxicity I was attached to, both on the inside and the outside. When I was 30 years old I purged myself of all the poisonous people who were in my life at that time. Wow! Was that life altering. It may sound simple, but when you include all your friends, family members, and colleagues in that list it’s quite a task. At least it was for me.
I’m now married to an amazing guy, we’re raising a very entertaining little girl, I run a number of businesses, and have the most incredibly loving and supportive group of friends. I am very blessed, and one thing I know for certain is that once I dealt with all my “stuff”, I opened up the door for all of that awesomeness to enter my life.
Then something happened…
I’ve been working with a brilliant business coach Amy K over the past 2.5 years, and one of my commitments for this week is to write 10 blog posts. The posts should integrate what Matheson Enterprises is all about – ME. Me as an entrepreneur, me as a wife & mother, me as a woman in business, etc. So I wrote my first 3 posts and sent them to Amy. The feedback I got was super positive and I felt really good about what I was contributing. Then I had my husband read them, and yesterday he looked directly in my eyes and complimented me on how fantastic my posts were. I thanked him and felt great, but I also started to feel emotional. My eyes welled up a bit (which I hid behind my massive sunglasses) and I was surprised that his lovely compliment had such an impact on me. They were 3 simple little blog posts, so where was this coming from?
I brought it up with Amy and I talked about how self doubt and insecurities still have a way of rearing their ugly heads when you least expect it. I didn’t feel confident about what I was writing, but I didn’t realize it until I fully accepted the praise. She asked me, “What insecurities are you officially ready to let go of?” and my answer is:
I’m not good enough.
That’s the one I’m ready to kick to the curb. I thought I had dealt with it years ago, but it’s sneaky and when it manifests itself the outcome is self-sabotage. I am constantly putting off writing the two books I have on the go. I don’t promote my website because I’m not confident enough that the content is of any quality. I procrastinate, make excuses, and get in my own way. Sound familiar? It is so common and it’s all driven by fear. The fear of being rejected, judged or criticized is greater than the fear of the results of not taking action. So my challenge is to shift that and make the fear of not contributing, not developing, and not achieving greater than the irrational fears. So how do I do that? I make the decision to just do it. Everyday I’ll create 2 new actions that will support that decision. Today those actions are: #1 to promote this post on Facebook & Twitter, and #2 to blog excerpts of both books I’m currently procrastinating to write. My focus will be on contributing, growing and achieving, and my new belief is that if people don’t like what I have to offer, that’s just fine.